Turtles All The Way Down
written by John Green
It was a Saturday morning and I was talking with my person. I had a great holiday themed date planned for the two of us that night. We’d been looking forward to it for a couple weeks, but in the nth hour his company had planned a spontaneous holiday party that same night, same time. As we talked through what to do about the conundrum, he was emphasizing my priority and trying to make certain in his own mind that he wouldn’t be making a bad impression on his still new work environment if he was a no-show. He grappled back and forth trying to reframe the situation in his mind so that he could make a decision and relax. Then in the midst of his internal gridlock asked, "Why is this so hard?”
I answered, “It’s because you care, and that’s what happens when you care."
“This sucks!” he laughed then paused, “Is this how you feel all the time?”
“Yup” I say. He knows me well.
"Oh no! I’m you!” He said in a mock horrified voice still tinged with his own worry.
'Oh no' indeed, I thought. So, I canceled our date and accompanied him to the party. If he's so stressed that he’s me and not him, that’s not good.
One trait of mine is that I care a lot, about a lot of things, and like I said, when you care a lot it’s so easy to worry and stress. At least that's been my experience. I once asked my person which character in the television show the Good Place I was, he said Tahani, "because she’s beautiful". While that answer is appreciated, it’s not what I would have said. I’m more like this guy:
Chidi Anagonye, an adorable academic who cares so much and is so thoughtful that he can get overwhelmed by it, and suddenly an low stakes decision like choosing a hat becomes almost impossible. Most times I keep a good balance, but if stress comes in, things get a lot harder to keep straight, and the most stressful periods of my life often give rise to anxiety.
Why mention any of this as a prelude to a review of Turtles All The Way Down? It's an example of how people have brains that can work differently from one another. We have different lives and personalities, but it’s not often that we acknowledge the differences of our mindscapes. Chidi has terrible indecision that he must actively work to overcome, I have a mind that has been known to overthink and get overwhelmed, and my person has his own hurdles too. These kinds of differences are an important thing to build empathy for. Which brings me to Turtles All The Way Down.
Our protagonist Aza is a junior in high school when billionaire Russel Picket goes missing. There is a $100,000 reward for any information on his disappearance, and Aza and her energetic, Star Wars-fanfic-writer friend Daisy are going to try to be the ones to win it. Complicating the investigation is Davis Picket, the billionaire’s son who shares a connection with Aza.
This novel would be just a detective story with romance, friendship, and an obscene amount of money potentially left to a Tuatara, if not for Aza‘s thought spirals. Aza has anxiety and OCD which ebbs and flows in its levels of severity, but never gone. Aza might be driving around with Daisy then a fearful thought creeps in, and even as she tries to stop thinking the thought, Aza is pulled deeper until she’s no longer in the car. She’s in her head, trapped by all the thoughts that she doesn’t want to be thinking. The thoughts give her orders on what she needs to do to stop panicking: check a band aid... check it again. A thought spiral.
When these thoughts come for Aza, they come for you too. Green, in the most thoughtful and unrelenting way, traps the reader in with Aza. We witness her compulsions, intrusive thoughts, and her battle with herself. It’s hard to read, but in an amazing kind of way. If you’ve ever dealt with your own thought spirals, OCD, or general anxiety you’ll feel seen, perhaps understood, and get messages that may help you recontextualize what you’re dealing with. If you can’t relate at all, which is understandable, then you’ll gain more insight into what I spoke of at the begining: empathy for those whose minds work differently than yours.
My favorite line from Turtles All The Way Down is this "you work with what you have" from the below passage taken from page 243 (no spoilers).
I've not always thought about it that way. We are all built differently, mind and body, and what choice do we have but to work with what we’ve been given. We should judge ourselves not by what we’ve been given but what we do with it. Ava didn’t choose her thought spirals, but manages to be a "B-plus" person anyway.
I didn't like this book the first time I read it, and I think it's because it didn't do what I thought it would. This is not a story of overcoming and banishing anxiety. This is a story of living a full life even with anxiety. The above passage really captures that theme, and though it may not be the arc you expect or want for Ava, it's real and important. I encourage anyone to read Turtles All The Way Down. It's a young adult book with a good story and good characters. It's funny, heartbreaking, and philosophical. There's romance, adventure, and mystery. And, it's one of my favorites.
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