My Dark Vanessa

“I just really need it to be a love story, you know? I really, really need it to be that.”

“I know,” she says.

“Because if it isn’t a love story, then what is it”?

My Dark Vanessa

Kate Elizabeth Russell

Trigger warnings for this book: themes of sexual assault, pedophilia, and suicide

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This was the second book I read because of FullofLit’s booktube video called “Recommending Books Based on Your Favorite EUPHORIA Character. The first was My Year of Rest and Relaxation written by Ottessa Moshfegh, recommended for people whose favorite character is Rue, and My Dark Vanessa was for people whose favorite character is Cassie. While working on these two reviews my mom asked me what Euphoria was about, and the most simple way I could describe it was: teens played by adult actors who have TV-MA rated problems that no child should have to deal with. My Dark Vanessa is a good example of something a child should never have to endure.

My Dark Vanessa tells the story of Vanessa Wye at age 15 and age 32. At 15 Vanessa attends a boarding school and makes a connection with her 45-year-old English teacher, Jacob Strane. At age 32 Vanessa witnesses multiple woman in the news who were prior students of Strane, come forward to reveal Strane’s predatory behavior and sexual harassment of them when they were children. When Vanessa first met Strane she respected him and enjoyed learning literature and writing from him, but Strane takes that admiration and uses it to groom Vanessa. He manipulates her into thinking she has all the power in their relationship and that it is her idea to start an affair with him.

Reading this book felt like holding my hand against a greased, hot skillet. I had multiple moments with this book when I couldn’t read anymore and returned it to the library. Then a week later, I would resolve to continue. In the summary I shared, I gave the basic facts of the plot, but the author, Kate Elizabeth Russell, tells a more nuanced story than that. The book seems almost too long for what it is, but that’s because Russell takes the time to show the full scope of Strane's impact on Vanessa. This book is from Vanessa's perspective, so while the reader can see that Strane is grooming Vanessa, Vanessa believes that she does in fact love him and that he cares for her. Yet, her emotions and thoughts at times scatter and recollect as disgust, victimization, shame, anger at her protectors for turning a blind eye, devotion to Strane, and feeling imprisoned and formed by her relationship with him.

I am not sure I would recommend this book. It is well written and portrays complex and devastating consequences of pedophilia and rape, but I am not the right person to say how well My Dark Vanessa accomplishes that representation. I came away understanding Vanessa. I appreciate this book for showing that everyone deals with their trauma in their own way. It’s a hard book to read, but if it helps people develop more compassion and understanding towards each other, then perhaps it was worth it.